It's been almost a month since my wife took Luna to see the grandparents in China. Due to a stupid oversight with passport I couldn't be with them until next week.
Being alone by myself again is a strange experience. I suddenly have big blocks of time for nothing in particular. My nights started to follow a precise schedule when Luna was born: I get off work no later than 7PM, go home, feed her, bath her, tell her a couple stories, and put her to sleep. The following morning, I go to her room, change her, warm the milk, feed her, then go to work.
With all this extra time on my hands, I did nothing I thought I would do: read the few dozens books I bought out of impulse in the past years, go to the museums, go out and meet with friends, cook for myself.
Life seems oddly off beat nowadays.
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Saturday, August 27, 2016
08-27-16 evening
She is almost 6 months now, this week, she is able to elicit "baba and mama" sound. It is so funny to see her practicing different sounds and intonations. She does not imitate our words and sentences as often as when she is much younger (3-month), but she is showing more intellect.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
05-03-16 Tuesday Evening
She is over two months old now. Her height and weight are well over average (90+ percentile), but her head circumference is a little behind (30+ percentile). I joked to my wife that she might ending up being the jockey type she father once was.
Having a child has been an amazing experience so far. She is an intelligent being, and you can almost see progress in all aspects of her body on the daily basis. Everyday, she gets a little more control over her hands, feet, arms, legs, her gaze receives a little more sense of intellect, her cry just gets a little more variations.
And she is starting to smile at you. That's when you know you will fetch the moon for her if she wants it.
Having a child has been an amazing experience so far. She is an intelligent being, and you can almost see progress in all aspects of her body on the daily basis. Everyday, she gets a little more control over her hands, feet, arms, legs, her gaze receives a little more sense of intellect, her cry just gets a little more variations.
And she is starting to smile at you. That's when you know you will fetch the moon for her if she wants it.
Monday, March 21, 2016
03-22-16 Tuesday Morning (or past midnight) - weekend incident
Z and I have worked out our parental schedule for now: she will look after her during the day, with help from our nanny, and I will take over beginning early evening after I return from work. I will look after Luna throughout the night so Z could have at least a full night's sleep. So far, Luna has been really good-as long as she is fed and clean, she will stay quite and asleep, like a baby.
But that's beside the point for this post. We had an incident over the weekend. Z, Luna, and I were laying down on our couch on Sunday afternoon. I had my back against the couch, Z is in the middle, and Luna was right besides the edge. Somehow we all felt asleep this way, and suddenly my wife woke up, and much to her dismay, found that our daughter just felt from the couch to the floor face down.
We were thoroughly devastated to say the least. Luckily, the couch is not too high above the floor, about 20 inches, and part it was covered by a thin, polyester mat. So Luna seemed fine despite the fall. But after the incident, and throughout the entire evening, I found myself in what could only be described as traumatized mental status. It was a mixture of regret (how could I even let her sleep by the edge without proper protection?), sadness (that I screwed up big time as a parent not even a month into her life), and worry (would there be any long lasting impact on Luna's health due to the impact?). Luna seemed fine for the rest of the day, her schedule of eating, pooping, and sleeping were intact and she showed no signs of discomfort or physical injury. With those encouraging signs, I felt much better late into the night and has fully recovered from the traumatic experience the following day.
But on the next day, as I reflected on the incident with a cooler head, I suddenly realized that most of my feelings were actually triggered by my wife's reaction as opposed to what happened to Luna. Because Luna seemed fine the whole time (aside from a few annoyed cries that lasted only seconds), but my wife was a different story.
The moment she discovered her fall, she let out this cry that I have never heard from her before. This low, but deeply desperate cry, oozing helplessness and sadness. I have never seen her so sad before-it was almost like mourning, which then inspired all sorts of negative emotions in me. I pride myself on being the protector and provider, and yet my silly and careless mistake (not setting protective measures against potential fall) was the reason she felt that way.
It should never happen again.
But that's beside the point for this post. We had an incident over the weekend. Z, Luna, and I were laying down on our couch on Sunday afternoon. I had my back against the couch, Z is in the middle, and Luna was right besides the edge. Somehow we all felt asleep this way, and suddenly my wife woke up, and much to her dismay, found that our daughter just felt from the couch to the floor face down.
We were thoroughly devastated to say the least. Luckily, the couch is not too high above the floor, about 20 inches, and part it was covered by a thin, polyester mat. So Luna seemed fine despite the fall. But after the incident, and throughout the entire evening, I found myself in what could only be described as traumatized mental status. It was a mixture of regret (how could I even let her sleep by the edge without proper protection?), sadness (that I screwed up big time as a parent not even a month into her life), and worry (would there be any long lasting impact on Luna's health due to the impact?). Luna seemed fine for the rest of the day, her schedule of eating, pooping, and sleeping were intact and she showed no signs of discomfort or physical injury. With those encouraging signs, I felt much better late into the night and has fully recovered from the traumatic experience the following day.
But on the next day, as I reflected on the incident with a cooler head, I suddenly realized that most of my feelings were actually triggered by my wife's reaction as opposed to what happened to Luna. Because Luna seemed fine the whole time (aside from a few annoyed cries that lasted only seconds), but my wife was a different story.
The moment she discovered her fall, she let out this cry that I have never heard from her before. This low, but deeply desperate cry, oozing helplessness and sadness. I have never seen her so sad before-it was almost like mourning, which then inspired all sorts of negative emotions in me. I pride myself on being the protector and provider, and yet my silly and careless mistake (not setting protective measures against potential fall) was the reason she felt that way.
It should never happen again.
Monday, March 14, 2016
2016普鲁斯特问卷
1.你认为最完美的快乐是怎样的？
宁静的，知道自己有能力为爱人提供舒适的生活和自我实现的条件，把自己的判断放到外界的期望和世俗的压力之外
2.你最希望拥有哪种才华？
用音乐表达情感
3.你最恐惧的是什么？
知错不改
4.你目前的心境怎样？
对于家庭生活异常满足，但对于职业发展和个人能力培养怀有轻度焦虑
5.还在世的人中你最钦佩的是谁？
父母，对于他们的韧性最有体会
6.你认为自己最伟大的成就是什么？
改善自己的急躁的脾气和不必要的挑剔，学会和快乐夫人相处
7.你自己的哪个特点让你最觉得痛恨？
对于轻重缓急把握不当，过于钻研于细节
8.你最喜欢的旅行是哪一次？
2015，baby moon
9.你最痛恨别人的什么特点？
利用地位和权利的不平等倾轧他人
10.你最珍惜的财产是什么？
他人的信任和爱
11.你最奢侈的是什么？
时间
12.你认为程度最浅的痛苦是什么？
自认为遭人误解
13.你认为哪种美德是被过高的评估的？
孝
14.你最喜欢的职业是什么？
未知
15.你对自己的外表哪一点不满意？
双手缺乏体力劳动者的粗粝
16.你最后悔的事情是什么？
每年看太少书
17.还在世的人中你最鄙视的是谁？
无
18.你最喜欢男性身上的什么品质？
硬...
19.你使用过的最多的单词或者是词语是什么？
probably
20.你最喜欢女性身上的什么品质？
软...
21.你最伤痛的事是什么？
童年
22.你最看重朋友的什么特点？
毫无保留的信任
23.你这一生中最爱的人或东西是什么？
自己创造给他人的幸福感
24.你希望以什么样的方式死去？
无痛苦的暴死，爬山被雷劈，跳伞伞不开
25.何时何地让你感觉到最快乐？
被所爱之人认可的时候
26.如果你可以改变你的家庭一件事，那会是什么？
使其远离传统价值观的考验
27.如果你能选择的话，你希望让什么重现？
金融危机
28.你的座右铭是什么？
Does it matter?
上次做普鲁斯特问卷还是在2010年，下面是当时的回答，那个时候刚和现在的夫人确定关系不久。
1.你认为最完美的快乐是怎样的？
宁静的，充满给予和自己所爱的人的满足
2.你最希望拥有哪种才华？
对于一种乐器的精通，或者随时歌唱的能力
3.你最恐惧的是什么？
知错不改
4.你目前的心境怎样？
满足，怀有潜在的焦虑，9分平静（因为就业压力尚未袭来，身处农村对于他人的努力和自制力也不闻不问）
5.还在世的人中你最钦佩的是谁？
父母，对于他们的韧性最有体会
6.你认为自己最伟大的成就是什么？
这几年慢慢地和父母表面上背地里都reconcile了
7.你自己的哪个特点让你最觉得痛恨？
不自制
8.你最喜欢的旅行是哪一次？
2007，瑞士，和一些文青，学术女，傻孩子
9.你最痛恨别人的什么特点？
无常识；霸道地把自己的缺陷投射到别人身上变成指责；
10.你最珍惜的财产是什么？
他人的信任和爱
11.你最奢侈的是什么？
年轻
12.你认为程度最浅的痛苦是什么？
遭人误解
13.你认为哪种美德是被过高的评估的？
对于宗教的信仰
14.你最喜欢的职业是什么？
还没有做过真是十分喜欢的，如果有，应当具备：同事亲切聪明，总有学习机会，付出得到回报
15.你对自己的外表哪一点不满意？
手臂太细
16.你最后悔的事情是什么？
在一段缺乏自省，充满骄傲的关系里毫无察觉地伤害对方
17.还在世的人中你最鄙视的是谁？
一瞬间想到余秋雨
18.你最喜欢男性身上的什么品质？
硬...
19.你使用过的最多的单词或者是词语是什么？
in fact
20.你最喜欢女性身上的什么品质？
软...
21.你最伤痛的事是什么？
童年，不过通过这个我具备了成为作家的气质（参见海明威老师quote）
22.你最看重朋友的什么特点？
毫无保留的信任
23.你这一生中最爱的人或东西是什么？
自己创造给他人的幸福感
24.你希望以什么样的方式死去？
无痛苦的暴死，爬山被雷劈，跳伞伞不开
25.何时何地让你感觉到最快乐？
被所爱之人认可的时候
26.如果你可以改变你的家庭一件事，那会是什么？
使其远离曾经的纷争和种种传统价值观的考验
27.如果你能选择的话，你希望让什么重现？
大三搞丢的那张铁娘子的Brave New World。tmd多好的品相啊...
28.你的座右铭是什么？
我日...
Saturday, March 12, 2016
03-11-16 Friday Evening
A few issues are emerging since we stopped feeding Luna directly from breast. For the baby, eating from a breast requires more effort than from a bottle. With a breast, the baby needs to suck with stronger force and find the proper position. The bottle is much easier-milk will flow evenly with a moderate suction, and the parent can adjust the bottle to baby's positions.
The issues we have so far is as follows:
1. bottle feeding weakens the suction
2. weaker suction leads to more air into the stomach
3. more air in the stomach means more discomfort and more burping required
4. discomfort and burping extend the time for each feeding
I need to find ways to correct/strengthen the baby's suction and reduce overall air intake to the stomach. Otherwise, the vicious cycle will continue to spiral down and soon no one will have any sleep in the house.
The issues we have so far is as follows:
1. bottle feeding weakens the suction
2. weaker suction leads to more air into the stomach
3. more air in the stomach means more discomfort and more burping required
4. discomfort and burping extend the time for each feeding
I need to find ways to correct/strengthen the baby's suction and reduce overall air intake to the stomach. Otherwise, the vicious cycle will continue to spiral down and soon no one will have any sleep in the house.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
03-10-16 Thursday Afternoon
So, yeah, Luna came on the morning of 2/29. Yes, we are celebrating her birthday every four years-we will just tell her that everyone else does the same.
She is 10 days old now. Every time I hold her, I am amazed by how small she is. The head and limbs are so tiny-makes me wonder if she is human at all.
I feel hardly adequate to give parental advice, even though in the back of my mind I have gone through thousands of app and start-up ideas around newborn, hospital, and first time parents. Being parent is such a fluid idea. I am beginning to understand the rationales for some of my parents' decisions. When I look at her face, perfectly calm in her sleep, I come to understand why my parents made the kind of sacrifices (perhaps on a daily basis) for me. At the same time, I need to remind myself that such love is unrequited, with absolutely no strings attached.
Her life and ours are simple for now: we feed, clean, and sooth her. She eats, poops, and sleeps.
She is 10 days old now. Every time I hold her, I am amazed by how small she is. The head and limbs are so tiny-makes me wonder if she is human at all.
I feel hardly adequate to give parental advice, even though in the back of my mind I have gone through thousands of app and start-up ideas around newborn, hospital, and first time parents. Being parent is such a fluid idea. I am beginning to understand the rationales for some of my parents' decisions. When I look at her face, perfectly calm in her sleep, I come to understand why my parents made the kind of sacrifices (perhaps on a daily basis) for me. At the same time, I need to remind myself that such love is unrequited, with absolutely no strings attached.
Her life and ours are simple for now: we feed, clean, and sooth her. She eats, poops, and sleeps.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
02-28-16 Sunday evening
Last night was the most difficult since Z's pregnancy. The lower back pain intensified after the visit to the doctor. She was not able to sleep for the whole night due the pain and occasional and inconsistent contractions.
I was quite sure that she would begin her active contraction today. But the pain and contraction eased by a lot during the day today. The pain is still there, but the contraction disappeared. It seems that those early labor signs could last for days before the real labor kicks in.
Tomorrow is 2/29, if she is coming out tomorrow we will have to celebrate her birthday every four years.
I was quite sure that she would begin her active contraction today. But the pain and contraction eased by a lot during the day today. The pain is still there, but the contraction disappeared. It seems that those early labor signs could last for days before the real labor kicks in.
Tomorrow is 2/29, if she is coming out tomorrow we will have to celebrate her birthday every four years.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
02-27-16 Saturday evening
We visited Dr.M in the early afternoon today. We were late for about two minutes. She had her assistant called us because she thought we already delivered.
Everything seems to be fine. Z is about 3 centimeters open. Dr. M believes she could deliver as soon as tomorrow.
Z felt more discomfort later this afternoon, when we were back from the hospital. A little bit of showing plus intensifying numbness in the hip and lower back. Those are the sensations she has not experienced before. Luna is definitely coming.
After dinner, we packed our bags with all the essentials, plus additional thank you cards for the hospital staff. She kept on working after dinner, drawing and writing for her new WeChat public account. It's very quiet in the apartment.
I don't feel excited. A little anxious maybe, but I don't expect much emotional surges before the more painful part of the active labor comes. So far, everything seems to be normal and has progressed as planned.
Everything seems to be fine. Z is about 3 centimeters open. Dr. M believes she could deliver as soon as tomorrow.
Z felt more discomfort later this afternoon, when we were back from the hospital. A little bit of showing plus intensifying numbness in the hip and lower back. Those are the sensations she has not experienced before. Luna is definitely coming.
After dinner, we packed our bags with all the essentials, plus additional thank you cards for the hospital staff. She kept on working after dinner, drawing and writing for her new WeChat public account. It's very quiet in the apartment.
I don't feel excited. A little anxious maybe, but I don't expect much emotional surges before the more painful part of the active labor comes. So far, everything seems to be normal and has progressed as planned.
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